A Letter, a year-old.

I came across another one for my unmailed letters safely tucked away in one of my files. 

It's a year old letter but now at least, I have the courage to let it be read!

Dated: 6th October 2010

Ron,

Long time eh? I was just going through some of our old pictures and I thought of you. The old videos that we made, we all looked so happy then!! The other day, I wandered into Mezbaan and ate alone. I missed you guys so much! But imagine my frustration when I realized I didn't carry my Student's ID. I had to pay full price. 

How are you doing? How's life at your end? Hope everything’s good and well.

Well, for starters, this is not a happy mail! Cause I’m badly looking for a place to vent, which I can’t find these days. I feel bad venting out to someone who’s so far away and I may never click the 'send' button to this mail, but anyway the writing part is at least therapeutic.

Remember when I use to say that I can’t wait to be 26 and that I’ve been waiting for the age since I was 17?? Well, 26’s just around the corner and my life is in shambles. Lately, I’ve been thinking that maybe 26 is the age that I finally succumb to life’s miseries. Nothing’s been working out lately, life’s not at all beautiful and my rose-colored spectacles haven’t been working for quite sometime.

I have lots of problems back home and I'm too far away to deal with it! My father's been sick for two weeks now and last night I was up all night thinking about the failure that I am as the only daughter of the household. The daughter who is but a thousand miles away!

I am in a relationship with a guy I can’t communicate with. We didn't start off like this. Is this what happens to people after three long years in a relationship, where you start taking each other for granted?! And I'm sick of people sticking their noses in our relationship. We're just two insignificant people and who in the world  would even have the time, energy or the desire to put a wedge between us?? Well, guess what. Maybe we're not that insignificant after all!! What can I say?? I don’t want to be a drama queen. But drama just follows me J.

I am so very disillusioned with the whole idea of relationships, marriage and family right now! I just can't shake off the feeling that after all this time, after all these years and after everything I've been through, I stand, but, alone. Sometimes, I feel I just want to quit everything and retreat in a hole. Sometimes I want to quit teaching in Sunday School! I don’t think I can be a role model to my kids. I feel like a fraud to teach about Christian life and relationships to teenagers when I can hardly handle my own. Sometimes, I am tired of putting up a brave front. These days, the perpetual smiles never reach my eyes! I just want to crumble into pieces but I also know I just can’t! So I hold myself up and smile for the world to see.


Last week, a friend came to me to help her on her rocky relationship. She told me that I’m one of the strongest person she knows. I froze and realized I'm a hypocrite... all over again!

Academically, I’m a snail. I'm still waiting for my Viva Voce while doing background reading for the proposal for my supposed doctoral thesis.

Healthwise, the past two months had me suffering from dengue TWICE!!! And the whole time, I was  helping take care of the boyfriend's mother during her hip replacement surgery. Friends say that I'm the one person who takes dengue fever as a breeze. But I don't! The whole time I thought it was viral fever and symptoms of over-exhaustion. So I'd pop another pill, refill my bottle with ORS and head off to the hospital to help. I was diagnosed only when my post-fever rash came!

Financially, I'm broke! L So is my laptop! L I'm saving up for a new one. And I don’t know if I can pay for my tickets home for Christmas.

Anyways, that’s the story of the my life at the age I so wanted to reach!!!

Somehow, I realized I always blamed myself for the bad things that happen to me; make myself miserable and torment myself. But then at this ‘golden’ age, I’ve also realized that life is still going to torment me mightily anyway even if I don’t torment myself. So I’ve decided that I have the right to wallow in self-pity and cry my heart out… once in a while!

That was one year ago....

I remembered feeling like I've hit rock bottom while writing this, feeling like my life would be just a huge big gloom of eternal rainy days!

One year later, what is my life like?? It's still not perfect but it's much much better! Did I even notice or gave myself a self-appreciated "pat on the back" for how well I've survived the dark days?? Hardly!

Time and time again, I've learnt that the tough times never last. Yet time and time again, I tend to dwell focusing on the dark rain-clouds.

This letter is just another reminder.

To remind myself everyday that you can't always be a worm. One day, sooner or later, you'll break out into beautiful butterfly! And it doesn't matter if your butterfly lives for three short summer days. The point is, the worm is just one cycle away from being a butterfly.