Late April Musings

It's been a month since my last post and here I am again sheepishly admitting that I should make more frequent posts. But jumping on my defense, I was having a quiet couple of months, and I don't know how much longer will I take a step back and take a long hard look at my life. 

The weather's lovely today. It's late April in the capital and somehow the temperature hasn't been soaring as yet. I spend the morning sprinting from the School to Ad Block running after some signatures that I need so badly yet by the time the sandstorm blew in the afternoon, I was safely tucked away in my room with a wet face towel on my nose!!! Yes! I have officially retreated on my war against sandstorm season... and mosquitoes!

Before I knew, we're almost halfway through the year and 2012 hasn't been good to me as of now. So I somehow wished it'd just past me by. Last year, I had a lot of plans going on for this year but nothing, absolutely nothing has been working out lately. My academic life is a drag, I'm perpetually broke and after five long years, I'm single again! I'm constantly on an emotional roller-coaster ride sometimes even hating myself on some low points. And to top it all off, bad news about a close relative's demise reached me last night. And still, there is something in me that tells me to prepare for the worse!

I was joking with my dear friend Engkima about how I just want to quit everything I'm doing here, go home, build myself a little shack on my father's terrace, grow old and die alone! I was joking, but half my heart is serious!! I call it the 'Tip of the Depression Iceberg'! Haaa!!! Only because I consider myself too young and too unaccomplished to be in a 'mid-life crisis'.

I probably need to be in this situation. There's a brighter side to everything. If my life has always been a breeze then I wouldn't know how to count my blessings. I've also realized a mistake I have committed through the years. I've realized how much I've depended on other people for my happiness and how pathetic our plans for the future can sometimes turn out.

So, today, it's all about taking a step on the journey to the inner being, learn to be thankful for what I'm blessed with and working hard for the rest. I've learnt that nothing's going to come easy for me, that I'll have to work for every single thing I need and want. After all, there's no such thing as a free lunch.

I haven't come across someone who died of 'bad situations' or breakups or  'things-didn't-work-out-according-to-plan' situations. I know I won't be the first! :)

So listening to the thunder rolling in the distance, I'll pray and most importantly, prepare for rain!