Stop and Stare: A Breakup Story

Have you ever given a thought this way?

Every relationship ends in only two ways. You either make it or you break it.

If you know me in person you might wonder why I'm writing this. Yes, my life may be an open book but there are parts of me that I long to keep to myself. And I have my fair share of skeletons in the closet too. But this post is not about me mud-slinging the other, it's not an attempt at self-justification and it's not about me trying to tell the world "I can live through another heartbreak". Let me be honest, this post is a vent. And if you are uncomfortable with vents, then I suggest you go elsewhere!

Ah! Relationships. What do we know about it??? Who can be called an expert??? Because no two relationships are the same.

The boyfriend (the ex-boyfriend rather) and I were together a few months shy of five years. And at an age when there are marriage rumours flying about, we stopped and stared.

If you ask me, there are many reasons and no real reason for the breakup. There were simply too many unresolved issues stacked in the corner that were left ignored. A time eventually came when we have to clean that corner and realized we haven't resolved anything yet. A mistake, I concur, on our part, was also that we both tend to prioritize a third party's opinion more than it deserved. Sometimes I wish we had someone who'd bang our heads together and tell us that someone else's opinion of us is none of our business. Maybe we had a 'five year itch' or maybe after five years, we realized that we are too different or maybe we had 'cold feet' once we realized we're 'coming of age'. Or maybe we took each other for granted. But nonetheless, we stopped and stared.

And to think that we had our lives planned out... 

How could we be more wrong? Until the truth slaps us on our face and stops us in our tracks. "You can't plan Life". I cannot be a bigger fool because time and time again, I've faced this crossroad yet by the next curve I lull myself into believing I have my life and my plans under control. He's a good person. One of the few genuinely decent men left in this world. I don't think I'm the worst either. But sometimes, you just don't know what the next curve holds.

So what's bad about a breakup?

The painful part, for me, I would say, after five years, is one of those nights you just can't go to sleep and you find yourself absent-mindedly dialling his number, only to realize that it's no longer right for you to wake him from his sleep  just because you can't get yours.  Or a friend or a relative you haven't met for quite sometime asked you how he's doing. But the worst for me, and the ultimate awkward moment came, when a uncle (read: father's friend) who was on a visit to the capital came up to me after church and asked me if we have set the date (for a wedding!). It was at that moment that the weightage of five years and your own age sunk in. I must brace myself, because I'm sure there will be more awkward moments to follow since we still live in the same city, and have more or less, the same circle of friends.

But breakups, I must add, aren't all bad. The other side of the coin is filled with hope. I've done a lot of soul searching after the break up. I have learnt how comfortable I've become, being an appendage of another; comfortable to the extent that I've almost forgotten to dream my own dreams. I've also reflected on how useless and selfish an appendage I have been and quietly made a mental note that if I ever had a chance to be a part of someone's life in that way gain, I'd make changes and improvements. But right now, to me, being single means I'm less stressed; I no longer need to mentally prepare myself to accept a person who has been backstabbing me for years; I can make plans for myself; I can cut my hair to whatever length I want to or even colour it blue, or pierce my earlobes a dozen times over. So far, I've enjoyed being alone so much more than I expected.

Like I've said before, I don't know what life has in store for me.

We could be given a second chance, or this could be the end of our story. 

Either way, whether we want it or not, the world's not gonna stop for us. Life will go on. And I know it will still be beautiful, whether we choose to see it or not. 

But in the meantime, I stop and stare. And go deeper and deeper still. I know that this happened for a reason. And whether I learn the reason or not, I know I should make lemonade out of the lemons that life threw at me. Or a lemon tart. Or a lemon pie. Or a lemon martini. :)