Unmailed...

Ka Nu,

I feel weird typing this rather than speaking out! How I wish I could talk to you! But anyway, it feels better typing this out rather than talking to a wall which I have done for countless times. Words fail me every time I try to describe how much I miss you… so I have stopped trying to say so!

The time of the year is approaching again! I can’t tell how much it hurts to put yet another bouquet in the place where your body lied… And I can’t even describe how much more it hurts for me not to be able to be with Dad in that time of the year! Dad hardly talks about you, but I know he misses you when he looks at me with that faraway look and tells me that I look more like you every day! Why just last December, he encouraged me to wear your old puan and gave me your wedding ring!! I didn’t even know how to react!! Dad’s rather stubborn! Every time I try to convince him to let me leave my studies and let me stay back home to take care of him, he pushes the idea out and tells me that I should live for myself and not for him! He always tells me that I am living both of your dreams!! And even though it hurts him to see me board the plane after each holiday, he still let me go because he wants what’s best for me!! And I, with tears, would try to follow the verse you used to teach me Obedience is better than sacrifice.

I haven’t changed much! I still have your eyes and your voice and I still walk around in Daddy’s feet! But my pimples have finally shown mercy after all these years, and even though they drop by to say ‘hi’ now and then, I walk with confidence! Why!! I’ve been accused of being pretty a couple of times!! I still sing my heart out in the church choir and I’m sure you would have been proud to see me lead worship in the Easter Sunrise Service this year! I still can’t cook like you do… but I’ve found someone who pretends to like everything I cook (at least!!). And Dad has finally allowed me to date!!! Me being in post- Master’s and all, he ran out of reasons to lock me in!! But A U Mama is still reluctant!! Boooo!! At least I’ve got green light from the higher power!

Sometimes I wish I could turn back the time; so that I would undo the things I’ve done. I would undo all my rebellious teen years and spend my years trying to be the perfect daughter who never broke your heart! I was just learning to open up to you, just getting to know you when He decided it was time for you to go home. Maybe things would have been easier if I had a sister, not that the boys are insensitive or anything! Sometimes I got so lost growing up, moving from this phase to that phase of my life that I just couldn’t help but miss you! I know that crying or making my life miserable by missing you is not going to bring you back…. But sometimes… just sometimes, I cry. But I do so only when the world sleeps or only when I have a pillow big enough to muffle my cries!

It’s been shade of blacks, whites and grays!! The dark shades can get so dark but now they’re beginning to blend in with the grays! To look at the brighter side, Nu, I’ve learnt to love Dad the way that I would never have, had you been here! And I’m learning to cherish those I love, lest I get no time to cherish them again! I just hope that I make you proud with the person I am today and the person I aspire to be!

I know that it’s all beautiful and you love it up there, but please do take some time to miss me too!! And I know I should have said this when you were here, but better late than never… I love you…

... Reconciliation...

Hello,

Do you remember me?? Does my voice seem familiar to you or can you even hear me at all? I heard things are going well with you, I'm glad. You deserved it after all you've been through. I have never stopped praying for you and I’m sure better days are waiting for you on the road ahead.
I'm doing great here too. So great that sometimes I want to sit you down and tell you of all the things that I've been through. But I can't do that, can I?? I guess we have come to an unsaid agreement that we should both exist in the same universe but however use indifference as our main solution to hide all the past hurts and bruises.
Time has treated me gently over the years. I must say I’m older now, wisened by the pain and the struggles. I have learnt how to look at pain in the eye and walk even through the darkest valley with grace in my steps and hope in my heart.
Well, life goes on after you left. Would you believe it?? I have already completed my master’s and I am now an official research scholar!! I remember you calling me up on the day of my 12 Biology exams, all the well wishes and the prayers. It’s been years, hasn’t it? The Lord has been extremely good to me, He’s always been close to me like a shadow, sheltered me and provided for me even when I’m wrong. The way He shows His care and love are simply amazing.
University’s not so bad after all… in fact, I now dread that I would have stayed back home and miss out on all these beautiful people and exciting experiences. I’ve met lots of friend here in University. Friends with whom I can be myself with, friends wit whom I laugh and cry with. And would you believe it? Most of them are not Mizos... again!! which proves that I am still an integrationist… I guess your purist philosophy doesn’t really stick to my head.
I haven’t changed much… I’m still no head-turner; I haven’t grown an inch taller or lost a single pound. But I’m finally contented with who I am. I have stopped writing though… except for a few scribbles. I guess it is one thing that you totally took from me. It must have been the constant criticism and the brutal sniggers, I guess I never really recovered completely from it. But however I’m working towards it, and the day anything from my pen gets published, I’ll send you a copy!!
I am still singing inspite of all that you’ve told me. I know I’m not good, but somehow I feel that God wants me to sing. And it has got nothing to do with being good in singing or having a good voice. Who am I to hold back against worshipping a God who does deserve to be worshipped? I have started dancing again… alone in my room though. But sometimes when I’m really really happy, I break out in wild moves even in the middle of the road. The butterfly is back and she’s here to stay…
I have also revived my rain-dances. But I can no longer feel the squishy squashy grass under my feet as I mostly dance on the hostel terrace. I still take walks in the rain… although I hardly have anyone to walk with. But nonetheless, I enjoy doing all these things even though I do it alone.
I have met a new guy. I couldn’t be happier!! He has been quite a rock in my life and the amount of care, concern and love he has showered me are not quite what I deserve. I’m immensely thankful for him and I hope to learn how to love and care for him in ways that he could and couldn’t see.

I do miss you sometimes. I want to see you again and thank you for all the lessons that you have taught me, the love and care that you have shown me and for the prayers that you have prayed for me for all those years. You indeed are one person who have watched me grow and change over the years. I still haven’t stopped yet, there are still so many mountains to scale, rivers to cross and lessons to learn. But I hope to be a better person everyday and i also hope that you will be happy with the woman I have become and the person that I will grow into in the coming years. Even though we are out of touch, someday I hope to bump to you in a busy market place or a hussled street and smile at you just so you know that inspite of what I believed back then, life does go on after you … and its still amazingly beautiful and rosy.

Lastly, I want to say I’m sorry for whatever pain I’ve put you through. And I pray that you won’t regret or feel guilty for whatever I went through. None of it was your fault.

To whom these words belong to…. You know who you are. I am blessed that I have met you.