My perfect Now Vs. My real Now

In my perfect now,


I study 8 hours a day
I sleep 8 hours a day.
I 9gag less, Facebook less and blog more.
I'm a morning person. I wake up a skylark at 6 AM, half of the day's chore is already done by 9 AM and I retire for the day two hours before midnight.
I'm a lady through and through.
I eat healthy and I exercise well.
I'm best buds with the hottest nerd on the planet, Zachary Levi. 
I master the Government and Binding theory of Syntax.
Delhi is in it's November temperature.
I trust God without panicking.


But,

In my real now,

I hardly study 3 hours a day
I sleep 5 hours a day on an average.
9gag, Facebook and studies go hand in hand, which muddles my mind on what to blog about.
I wake up so late that sometimes I miss breakfast and as a result toss around in my bed till 3 AM.
Sometimes, I get tired of being a girl.
Fresh veggies and fresh fruits are things of the past and a walk to the mess hall counts as my daily exercise.
I get overexcited when Zach Levi's bot retweeted me and kept watching his videos on Youtube.
I bang my head on the table by Page 21 of the 600 paged Syntax Theory book that I am currently studying.
Delhi records the highest minimum temperature of the season. Read: 34 degree Celsius.
I get overly agitated and confront God with my problems!!


In my perfect now, I would have concluded the post with a positive tone.


But this is my real now...

Stop and Stare: A Breakup Story

Have you ever given a thought this way?

Every relationship ends in only two ways. You either make it or you break it.

If you know me in person you might wonder why I'm writing this. Yes, my life may be an open book but there are parts of me that I long to keep to myself. And I have my fair share of skeletons in the closet too. But this post is not about me mud-slinging the other, it's not an attempt at self-justification and it's not about me trying to tell the world "I can live through another heartbreak". Let me be honest, this post is a vent. And if you are uncomfortable with vents, then I suggest you go elsewhere!

Ah! Relationships. What do we know about it??? Who can be called an expert??? Because no two relationships are the same.

The boyfriend (the ex-boyfriend rather) and I were together a few months shy of five years. And at an age when there are marriage rumours flying about, we stopped and stared.

If you ask me, there are many reasons and no real reason for the breakup. There were simply too many unresolved issues stacked in the corner that were left ignored. A time eventually came when we have to clean that corner and realized we haven't resolved anything yet. A mistake, I concur, on our part, was also that we both tend to prioritize a third party's opinion more than it deserved. Sometimes I wish we had someone who'd bang our heads together and tell us that someone else's opinion of us is none of our business. Maybe we had a 'five year itch' or maybe after five years, we realized that we are too different or maybe we had 'cold feet' once we realized we're 'coming of age'. Or maybe we took each other for granted. But nonetheless, we stopped and stared.

And to think that we had our lives planned out... 

How could we be more wrong? Until the truth slaps us on our face and stops us in our tracks. "You can't plan Life". I cannot be a bigger fool because time and time again, I've faced this crossroad yet by the next curve I lull myself into believing I have my life and my plans under control. He's a good person. One of the few genuinely decent men left in this world. I don't think I'm the worst either. But sometimes, you just don't know what the next curve holds.

So what's bad about a breakup?

The painful part, for me, I would say, after five years, is one of those nights you just can't go to sleep and you find yourself absent-mindedly dialling his number, only to realize that it's no longer right for you to wake him from his sleep  just because you can't get yours.  Or a friend or a relative you haven't met for quite sometime asked you how he's doing. But the worst for me, and the ultimate awkward moment came, when a uncle (read: father's friend) who was on a visit to the capital came up to me after church and asked me if we have set the date (for a wedding!). It was at that moment that the weightage of five years and your own age sunk in. I must brace myself, because I'm sure there will be more awkward moments to follow since we still live in the same city, and have more or less, the same circle of friends.

But breakups, I must add, aren't all bad. The other side of the coin is filled with hope. I've done a lot of soul searching after the break up. I have learnt how comfortable I've become, being an appendage of another; comfortable to the extent that I've almost forgotten to dream my own dreams. I've also reflected on how useless and selfish an appendage I have been and quietly made a mental note that if I ever had a chance to be a part of someone's life in that way gain, I'd make changes and improvements. But right now, to me, being single means I'm less stressed; I no longer need to mentally prepare myself to accept a person who has been backstabbing me for years; I can make plans for myself; I can cut my hair to whatever length I want to or even colour it blue, or pierce my earlobes a dozen times over. So far, I've enjoyed being alone so much more than I expected.

Like I've said before, I don't know what life has in store for me.

We could be given a second chance, or this could be the end of our story. 

Either way, whether we want it or not, the world's not gonna stop for us. Life will go on. And I know it will still be beautiful, whether we choose to see it or not. 

But in the meantime, I stop and stare. And go deeper and deeper still. I know that this happened for a reason. And whether I learn the reason or not, I know I should make lemonade out of the lemons that life threw at me. Or a lemon tart. Or a lemon pie. Or a lemon martini. :) 

A Father's Day post

Once during a Bible discussion group, a friend talked about how important a role that fathers play in our understanding and relationship with God, the Father. Misha went on to talk about her childhood and how difficult it was for her to understand God's love, because the only father figure she ever had in her life was a man who was abusive to her  for years and who, in the end, abandoned Misha and her mother for another woman. She later told me that the Bible story she had problems with the most was the parable of "The Prodigal Son". I remembered listening to her story often paused with sobs and sullen anger and for the first time, being really thankful for my father. 

That happened only a few years ago. I admit with shame that, before Misha's story, I had taken my father for granted.

So today, I'll take the time, get back on radar and blog about my dad. Forgive me if I brag, but if I do brag, let me brag about my thankfulness for having such a dad. 

I was 18 when my mother passed away. Until then, I must admit, I looked to my dad as more of a financial support than a parent. But these nine years without Ma has taught me how much of a parent he really is and how hard he tries to be a father to my brothers and I, each single day. I admire everything about my dad, but the one thing that stands irrevocably prominent is the Big Gesture that he made for me by allowing me to stay away from home for these many years. It might not be a big deal to some, but for me, it's the greatest sacrifice that my father can make!.

You see, I am an only daughter and I have been away from home since I turned 16. After Ma passed away, there hasn't been anyone to take care of and run the house. And with running the house, I literally mean 'running the house'. People who know me in person know that my father has a career in politics. And it is a known truth that politicians and pastors get criticized the most from the way their children lived their lives. Politicians and pastors again, need a good home support system. A support system which I, as an only daughter to such a father, should provide. No matter how hard I try to live my imperfect life perfectly, at the end of the day, I am but a daughter who stays a million miles away.

Soon after I graduated, uncles and aunts and what-nots have put constant pressure on my dad to ask me "to come home and take care of the house". And especially after dad lost in the last election, the pressure grew to "How are you going to support her? We all know how expensive living in Delhi is! Ask her to come home, a Master's degree is more than enough. Anymore than that, no one will marry her". My dad was quiet. And when it was time, he dropped me to the airport, waved me off and told me to go fight for my dreams. I know that all the uncles and aunts and what-nots, somehow, want the best for me and my dad.  They could see that my dad was all alone and he needed someone to take care of him and help him run the house. But despite their good will, giving me a chance at doing what I want to do was just out of question. Why? "Because you're a girl. Once you come of age you'll be married off. Why spend so much time and money on you?". And here I thought we are living in the 21st century!! Well, Hello!!

Once after overhearing such 'pressures' being put on my dad, I exploded. I went to my grandparents, bawled my eyes out and even went to the extent of telling my grandpa that my uncles should 'just shut up'. Word must have gotten around. It's been years since such 'pressures' were put on my dad. What was so precious to me was that my dad put his foot down against the family and choose to give me a chance at an education that I've always wanted. Even though he knew, by doing so, the house would be empty and he'd have no one to take care of him or keep him company.

My dad has always supported me in what I want to do, where I want to go and even who I want to date. Unlike many Mizo fathers who stay away from their daughters' emotional escapades, my dad has been there for me for the biggest heartbreak of my life and right now, giving me constant support through, yet, another heartbreak. When you have a father who cherish you as such, you'll never settle for second best. And when you have a father who trusts you so much, breaking his trust is the last thing you want to do.

Today, I want to tell my dad that he is my hero and his love is the reason why God's love seems so real to me. I want to tell my dad, that I fought for my dreams only because he fought for me; that if I am a trustworthy daughter, it's only because he has been a trustworthy dad. That if I am a woman who is respected, it's because he taught me to respect myself; that if  I ever meet a man who truly loves me, it's only because  my dad taught me how to love; that if I'm a good human being, it's only because I learnt it from him.

Pa,

Min hmangaihzia leh ka tana i inpek nasatzia ka hmuhin, Pathian hmangaihna ropuizia min hriatnawntir thin. Nang ang pa ka neih che avang hian, Pathian hmangaihna hi a takin ka hmu nawn fo thin a; Pathianin malsawmna min pek zawng zawng zinga ropui ber chu nangmah hi i ni asin. Pa, ka hmangaih che!

Happy Father's Day!

Late April Musings

It's been a month since my last post and here I am again sheepishly admitting that I should make more frequent posts. But jumping on my defense, I was having a quiet couple of months, and I don't know how much longer will I take a step back and take a long hard look at my life. 

The weather's lovely today. It's late April in the capital and somehow the temperature hasn't been soaring as yet. I spend the morning sprinting from the School to Ad Block running after some signatures that I need so badly yet by the time the sandstorm blew in the afternoon, I was safely tucked away in my room with a wet face towel on my nose!!! Yes! I have officially retreated on my war against sandstorm season... and mosquitoes!

Before I knew, we're almost halfway through the year and 2012 hasn't been good to me as of now. So I somehow wished it'd just past me by. Last year, I had a lot of plans going on for this year but nothing, absolutely nothing has been working out lately. My academic life is a drag, I'm perpetually broke and after five long years, I'm single again! I'm constantly on an emotional roller-coaster ride sometimes even hating myself on some low points. And to top it all off, bad news about a close relative's demise reached me last night. And still, there is something in me that tells me to prepare for the worse!

I was joking with my dear friend Engkima about how I just want to quit everything I'm doing here, go home, build myself a little shack on my father's terrace, grow old and die alone! I was joking, but half my heart is serious!! I call it the 'Tip of the Depression Iceberg'! Haaa!!! Only because I consider myself too young and too unaccomplished to be in a 'mid-life crisis'.

I probably need to be in this situation. There's a brighter side to everything. If my life has always been a breeze then I wouldn't know how to count my blessings. I've also realized a mistake I have committed through the years. I've realized how much I've depended on other people for my happiness and how pathetic our plans for the future can sometimes turn out.

So, today, it's all about taking a step on the journey to the inner being, learn to be thankful for what I'm blessed with and working hard for the rest. I've learnt that nothing's going to come easy for me, that I'll have to work for every single thing I need and want. After all, there's no such thing as a free lunch.

I haven't come across someone who died of 'bad situations' or breakups or  'things-didn't-work-out-according-to-plan' situations. I know I won't be the first! :)

So listening to the thunder rolling in the distance, I'll pray and most importantly, prepare for rain!

"Nine-nors": A ray of sunlight on a cloudy month!

Getting out of bed these days is a challenge. Maybe it's got to do with the endless hours I spend tossing around in my bed; maybe it's got to do with the fact that the recent change has drained me of my energy and vitality or maybe it's the 'fact' that drama follows me! Heee! But on most mornings, rolling out of bed to face a new day ain't one of my favorite things. But what can a girl do? 'One day at a time' I'd tell myself and try to get through the numbing humdrum I call life. 

So a few weeks back, I resumed my classes with Sam. Remember him? The 11 year old that I help with creative writing. Well, he just turned 12 and I was invited for his birthday party. Needless to say, I was the oldest invitee with the least energy to run around the house. So the other day, I was in one of my evening classes when all of a sudden he asks me what I do during the weekends! "The usual" I replied " I have worship practice on Saturdays, Church Service/ Sunday School on Sunday afternoons and Choir practices after". I later learnt that he joined his school choir a week after our conversation. 

So this is what he told me about his experience in the School Choir.

"Miss Zuali" he chirped, his eyes wide with excitement, "I can sing the highest in my choir. No one can sing as high as I can."

I realized, on further questions, that his choir didn't sing a four part harmony!!

I cringed when I imagine him singing in the choir, an octave higher than the rest yet not knowing that he's out of tune. Then I prompted to tell him about the different harmonies - the air, the soprano, the alto, the contralto, the tenor, the bass. 

"What do you think I can sing?" he asked me as he sang  two lines from a song. 

"I think you'd do well with an air and you can gradually work your way to singing a tenor" I told him. Satisfied, he nodded and we went on with our Shakespeare lessons and the webs and intricacies of "A Midsummer's Night Dream". 

After an hour and a half, I was wrapping up our class when all of a sudden he started.

"Miss Zuali, I think I'll make a good 'Nine-nor' rather than an air"

"A what???"

"A Nine-nor"

"What? Nine-nor?"

"Your told me that the highest male voice is the Tenor. My voice is high enough but since I haven't had any practice, I thought I could start with a part just below the 'Ten-or' - The 'Nine-nor'!!"

^__^

'Nine-nor'. I haven't has such a hearty laugh in such a long time. A ray of sunlight finally getting through a cloudy month! My numbing humdrum finally being given an unsuspected tickle!

^__^

^__^

'Nine-nors'! I haven't come across a word which makes more technical sense! 

Thanks Sam for the sunlight!