Ramblings

A certain friend of mine complained once that my blog is too irregular and way too serious … well, the word he used was ‘depressing’! He should have known, it was my intention to keep it that way! But anyway, a serious rambling could also indeed spice up the “depressing” blog! And about the irregularities, well, I have to work on that…. But on my defense, I just can’t write without being inspired.

So here you are…

Random facts about me you just might not know!

· When I was 6, I fell from the dining table. Yes. The dining table (God knows why I was up there!). I had temporary blindness for a couple of days because I hit my head and supposedly my optical nerves were badly swollen. I don’t know how that could happen. I blame that accident for my myopic eye. I know, it doesn’t make sense. But I still like playing the blame game.

· I was 7; I fell from the fourth floor to the second floor of our building. I was in crutches for a week. That didn’t stop me from getting into a fight with a boy from our locality who made fun of my limping. My brother came to my help, but I already had my fair share of victory… That boy should’ve known crutches have multiple uses!

· I was 3 when I ‘volunteered’ to be the hair model for my 5 year old brother’s skills with the scissors. My mom almost fainted when she saw us that evening. Ed with his hair gnawed off into several patches; my previously shoulder length hair could now expose one ear and was grazed up to the neck on the other side. I think I would have looked fashionable… if only the emo hair was in!!

· My pinkie toe is larger than the one next to it. I get picked for my big pinky a lot! What can I do?? Basic genetics coming to play!!

· I wrote a song when I was 5. Yeah! Three songs, in fact, and in English. Brilliant me, I just started the English alphabet that year itself. My dad was witty enough to type them down and laminate it. Well, it’s just a jumble of all the English words I learnt in school, so sometimes it doesn’t make sense, my brothers don’t even call them songs. BUT, I wrote them out and sang them to my Grandma then and there( Yes, my dad note this down too. Bless him! )… so I still call them songs. :P Maybe one of these days, I’ll scan it down and post them… just for the heck of it!

· My first respond to my brother’s attempt in teaching me English “What is your name?” was "Ka nem lo”! I think I picked it up from some Thangkura audiotapes (I’m a big fan).

· I pulled out three of my own teeth with a string before I was 10!!! I was scared of dentists. So much that I’d rather do the job myself when my tooth starts shaking, I’ll hunt for sai-la. Running to parents with bleeding gums is compulsory after that!!

· My brother’s would never let me join their football games when I was a kid. I was never about me being a girl! I always get thrown out because I was too rough!! The boys from the other team always ended up with torn shirts if I played.

· Chukchu was Churchuk for me till I was 9, Dumka was dumde till I was around 7.

· I was caught smoking a churut with my cousins and my brothers at a friend’s garden. I was 8!! The price of having only boys to hang out with. The youngest one among our group, when his parents interrogated him, answered “Pak tum tauh” (Pak thum chauh). By the way, I don’ smoke. I started early, quitted early! :D

· I had my first crush when I was 14… I know, I’m a late starter. It was on a guy from an Irish boyband, beyond the seven seas; who doesn’t know I exist and ….later turn out to be gay!! 11 years later, I ‘googled him’ and ‘youtubed’ him and realized that my heartstrings are still tugged when he gave that lopsided smile. Sigh!! The charms of a gay guy!

· Talk about being a late starter… I had my first kiss at 22. I was ‘saving’ myself for the right person. I still kiss the same guy. Lucky Bastard!

· I cracked my front teeth biting on chhurpi in Bhutan. Don’t want to use dentures just yet. I’m still roaming around with cracked tooth! L

Randomness indeed!!!

The Licking Tribe

It was my fresher year in Delhi. Dr. Thangtea, the then Education Minister was the Chief Guest for the DMZP fresher meet. As much as I respect the guy and his achievements, I grunted when he mentioned a particular topic during his well prepared speech. He talked about the Japanese people and their perseverance and self discipline and mentioned with great enthusiasm about how they even restrain themselves from eating salt. I snorted. On the way back, B.Zara, a senior and a friend disagreed passionately on the salt-restraining trait of the Japanese. I grinned, I am going to like this guy not because he ‘beaked’ his lips when he speaks with a ‘certain’ sing song accent or because he walks with a certain gait (Sorry, Pu Kel)… but because he also has a passion for salt.

Darwin believed that humans have an ape-ancestry. I prefer the biblical beginning. But if I have to argue that I have an animal ancestry, I will have to say that I have a goat-ancestry. Because I cannot live without salt! And I don’t mean just without salty food, I mean without licking salt!

Asangba, a Naga friend of mine and a great cook often invites me for lunch and dinner. And no matter how well cooked and well seasoned the dishes are, I’ll always hunt around for salt after having a morsel. And once I do, he’ll start worrying and follow me with strings of “Isn’t it salty enough?” questions. I usually just tell him I need to lick salt. Puzzled, he asked me once “Zuali, I’ve seen you cook, I’ve eaten Mizo food too. And your dishes are never that salty!!” I grinned “We, Mizos are the licking tribe”. Now, every time I get invited to taste his cooking, he’ll always make sure that the salt container is right next to me ‘lest the Mizo belle loses her appetite’.

Have you ever noticed that in traditional Mizo feasts, there will always be a packet or a plate of salt with a teaspoon at the end of the buffet. I have noticed this is not so with other tribes or people. Back in my college days, my best friends were mixtures of Khasis, Nagas and Garos. And I get invited a lot to their traditional festivals and feasts. I’ve noticed, they never have free flowing salt at the end of the buffet table. And there came a time when I finally got around to bringing a mini container of salt for myself whenever I get invited to such buffet feasts. The heights!!!

Last summer, a Mizo couple got married here in Delhi. The wedding feast was catered and the wedding party happened on the Army Cantonment grounds. And since it was catered, we didn’t eat Mizo food. While we were on the buffet line piling our plates with food, two Mizo aunties who were just in front of me started complaining that there was no salt in the buffet. I grinned!!

Maybe it’s just one of the things that we, Mizos as a whole, generally practice. I don’t know if we all agree on that.

But we do agree that Mizos sing well… right!? :D

A garo friend of mine once mentioned that Mizos have big heads! I shot him an acidic glare…"Mizos have big heads to contain the extra brains that we have unlike Garos whose brains are painfully miniscule that even their small heads are hollow .”

Well, that argument is another story altogether.

Dark Clouds

Dark Clouds?!! Where do i even begin? I guess I’m not the first one to feel this way but when you’re on an intensive language research with a six month deadline and battling bad health at the same time, it can seriously mess up your mentality.

Research Deadline: July last week.

Present date: 1st week of March.

Time remaining: 21 weeks.

Work finished: Scribbles of first two chapters and skeletons of last two chapters.

Work pending: A complete dissertation with a minimum of 80 page ‘quality’ work.

Work complications: I just realized I have to brush up on Maths (probability, permutation, matrix and set theory, the like) after 6 years of happily switching over to Arts stream (Why on earth is it even related to linguistics???) I should have known I signed up for logic when I signed up for semantics.

Work pace: Super slow!! My supervisor just told me to mail her my write-ups even though I badly wanted to meet her in person.

Health Status: 1.. Just recovered from bronchitis (bronchial spasms ain’t fun at all).

2. Still on a regular 2 week injection visits to Apollo hospitals for hemorrhoid treatment. (Sigh!My doctor told me that hemorrhoid is an indicator of bad health!) I'm no fan of needles; my body is really hesitant in responding to the treatment and there is absolutely no way that I am considering or even entertaining the 'S' word.

3. Sinusitis loves me. He has for the past two years. I mope and disinfect my room twice a day and wash my curtains every week just to make sure that my room is dust free! I realized it’s not the dust in my room… it’s me or rather, my magnetic personality!

Emotional Status: No room for such…. Thankfully!

Mental status: FRUSTRATED. On the brink of depression!

Venting process: I know it’s sounds stupid...

1. Facebook Games. I just realized I’ve become super aggressive. I attack every single player I come across in “Sorority Life”. Pretty Biatchy huh?!

2. I blog… after staying away for more than four months! But writing is therapeutic, so blogging must also be. (Well! This step ain’t really stupid!)

3. I kissed my social life goodbye , except for Sunday Schools(I can’t stay away from my kids!) and Choir practices ( I will attend only till the Passion weekend!)which doesn't make sense because I have more time to get depressed!

Well! I know that a lot of senior researchers must have gone through what I’m going through now! And I know it might seem either stupid, futile or funny… But I wonder how those people sail through their storms.

To wrap it up… let’s stare at the dark cloud.

Dark Cloud: All of the above.

Silver Linings:

1. Hmmmm… First things first. It got me blogging and most importantly, writing again (Even though it’s just a scribble). I haven’t done much writing after starting research.

2. It got me back to “ordering my private world”. My room is spotless, no dirty laundry in the basket, I get up at 7:00 am (sterling silver for that!). Have you noticed how organized my writings are? Numbered, pointers and the works! :)

So… the dark cloud and the silver lining; a whole page against two points. Well, who said the silver lining should be bigger than the dark cloud! ?

And as if Someone knew what I’m going through; I came across this ‘chhum ve mai mai’ pic by CHDA while leisurely browsing through www.thlalak.com. Needless to say, I steal a silent smile!

Leah

Another lonely prayer prayed
As I crumpled against the pillow;
The night has never been so cold
And I have never felt so empty.
I remembered Leah, the unloved!
I remembered how she fought with her own blood
For nothing, but the affection of a Jacob.
Leah am I, tonight!
As I fought with myself;
For nothing but the love of a man.
Jacob, his name not quite!


Another silent tear shed;
Another dream turned to dust
As I try to keep my head above the waters.
A ray of light dawned on my window,
As I recalled how God remembered
Leah, the unloved!!
For at last she won the fight.
For in death, she lay with him;
Him whose love she longed for her whole life.


Leah am I, again tonight!
For I know God sees and remembers
The lonely prayers, the silent tears;
The aching nights so cold and lonesome,
Longing for the love, so long denied.


Leah am I, not quite, tonight!
For I know I will win this fight,
Not in death, no, not in the grave;
But in giving rather than receiving
And knowing I am loved still,
In a way no Jacob ever can!



** Delayed Attempts at poetry!! I know it sounds weird... But I was really inspired to write that night. And the inspiration's pretty pathetic too!! :D It'll be my last attempt. Promise!! :D

Unmailed...

Ka Nu,

I feel weird typing this rather than speaking out! How I wish I could talk to you! But anyway, it feels better typing this out rather than talking to a wall which I have done for countless times. Words fail me every time I try to describe how much I miss you… so I have stopped trying to say so!

The time of the year is approaching again! I can’t tell how much it hurts to put yet another bouquet in the place where your body lied… And I can’t even describe how much more it hurts for me not to be able to be with Dad in that time of the year! Dad hardly talks about you, but I know he misses you when he looks at me with that faraway look and tells me that I look more like you every day! Why just last December, he encouraged me to wear your old puan and gave me your wedding ring!! I didn’t even know how to react!! Dad’s rather stubborn! Every time I try to convince him to let me leave my studies and let me stay back home to take care of him, he pushes the idea out and tells me that I should live for myself and not for him! He always tells me that I am living both of your dreams!! And even though it hurts him to see me board the plane after each holiday, he still let me go because he wants what’s best for me!! And I, with tears, would try to follow the verse you used to teach me Obedience is better than sacrifice.

I haven’t changed much! I still have your eyes and your voice and I still walk around in Daddy’s feet! But my pimples have finally shown mercy after all these years, and even though they drop by to say ‘hi’ now and then, I walk with confidence! Why!! I’ve been accused of being pretty a couple of times!! I still sing my heart out in the church choir and I’m sure you would have been proud to see me lead worship in the Easter Sunrise Service this year! I still can’t cook like you do… but I’ve found someone who pretends to like everything I cook (at least!!). And Dad has finally allowed me to date!!! Me being in post- Master’s and all, he ran out of reasons to lock me in!! But A U Mama is still reluctant!! Boooo!! At least I’ve got green light from the higher power!

Sometimes I wish I could turn back the time; so that I would undo the things I’ve done. I would undo all my rebellious teen years and spend my years trying to be the perfect daughter who never broke your heart! I was just learning to open up to you, just getting to know you when He decided it was time for you to go home. Maybe things would have been easier if I had a sister, not that the boys are insensitive or anything! Sometimes I got so lost growing up, moving from this phase to that phase of my life that I just couldn’t help but miss you! I know that crying or making my life miserable by missing you is not going to bring you back…. But sometimes… just sometimes, I cry. But I do so only when the world sleeps or only when I have a pillow big enough to muffle my cries!

It’s been shade of blacks, whites and grays!! The dark shades can get so dark but now they’re beginning to blend in with the grays! To look at the brighter side, Nu, I’ve learnt to love Dad the way that I would never have, had you been here! And I’m learning to cherish those I love, lest I get no time to cherish them again! I just hope that I make you proud with the person I am today and the person I aspire to be!

I know that it’s all beautiful and you love it up there, but please do take some time to miss me too!! And I know I should have said this when you were here, but better late than never… I love you…