Apr 22, 2009

Unmailed...

Ka Nu,

I feel weird typing this rather than speaking out! How I wish I could talk to you! But anyway, it feels better typing this out rather than talking to a wall which I have done for countless times. Words fail me every time I try to describe how much I miss you… so I have stopped trying to say so!

The time of the year is approaching again! I can’t tell how much it hurts to put yet another bouquet in the place where your body lied… And I can’t even describe how much more it hurts for me not to be able to be with Dad in that time of the year! Dad hardly talks about you, but I know he misses you when he looks at me with that faraway look and tells me that I look more like you every day! Why just last December, he encouraged me to wear your old puan and gave me your wedding ring!! I didn’t even know how to react!! Dad’s rather stubborn! Every time I try to convince him to let me leave my studies and let me stay back home to take care of him, he pushes the idea out and tells me that I should live for myself and not for him! He always tells me that I am living both of your dreams!! And even though it hurts him to see me board the plane after each holiday, he still let me go because he wants what’s best for me!! And I, with tears, would try to follow the verse you used to teach me Obedience is better than sacrifice.

I haven’t changed much! I still have your eyes and your voice and I still walk around in Daddy’s feet! But my pimples have finally shown mercy after all these years, and even though they drop by to say ‘hi’ now and then, I walk with confidence! Why!! I’ve been accused of being pretty a couple of times!! I still sing my heart out in the church choir and I’m sure you would have been proud to see me lead worship in the Easter Sunrise Service this year! I still can’t cook like you do… but I’ve found someone who pretends to like everything I cook (at least!!). And Dad has finally allowed me to date!!! Me being in post- Master’s and all, he ran out of reasons to lock me in!! But A U Mama is still reluctant!! Boooo!! At least I’ve got green light from the higher power!

Sometimes I wish I could turn back the time; so that I would undo the things I’ve done. I would undo all my rebellious teen years and spend my years trying to be the perfect daughter who never broke your heart! I was just learning to open up to you, just getting to know you when He decided it was time for you to go home. Maybe things would have been easier if I had a sister, not that the boys are insensitive or anything! Sometimes I got so lost growing up, moving from this phase to that phase of my life that I just couldn’t help but miss you! I know that crying or making my life miserable by missing you is not going to bring you back…. But sometimes… just sometimes, I cry. But I do so only when the world sleeps or only when I have a pillow big enough to muffle my cries!

It’s been shade of blacks, whites and grays!! The dark shades can get so dark but now they’re beginning to blend in with the grays! To look at the brighter side, Nu, I’ve learnt to love Dad the way that I would never have, had you been here! And I’m learning to cherish those I love, lest I get no time to cherish them again! I just hope that I make you proud with the person I am today and the person I aspire to be!

I know that it’s all beautiful and you love it up there, but please do take some time to miss me too!! And I know I should have said this when you were here, but better late than never… I love you…

15 comments:

illusionaire said...

I actually cried as I read your post. Such a touching and poignant tone in your post...

I wish I could post this at misual.com, but I feel it is too personal... yet this is one of the most touching posts I've ever read.

My utmost condolences to you, even though I am a few years late. Here's a warm hugs from a total stranger.

Senmami said...

Thank you...I get weird when I get homesick!! And I've been very homesick lately... :) I guess that'll explain the change of tone in my writings!! :)

Sometimes, it feels better to share some really really personal stuffs to a total stranger than to someone you know!! I hope I'm not too corky!! :D

illusionaire said...

No you're not being corky.

It's good that you have discovered why blogging is good. Sometimes when we share such personal stuff, we feel much better and it heals the soul in a way too. I have experienced this many times. Cheers, Senmami. You just need to find an outlet to release all those feelings and emotions inside, and blogging is one of the ways of doing that.

I won't link your post at any of the Mizo sites because I don't think you'll like it. Nevertheless, I must once again say this article moved me like no other. God bless.

Senmami said...

Thanks a ton!!! Writing is one way I unlid pain.. :)

Well, if you feel like linking the post... please feel free!! Its a blog anyway... ready to be stumbled across anytime!!
But thanx a zillion!! And you're right... blogging helps!! :D

illusionaire said...

Have posted the link at misual.com :-) And do keep blogging. Take care, Senmami.

blackestred said...

The post reminds me of Rdi's - Daddy, not that I'm comparing it or anything.. its beautiful in its honesty and I admire you for being able to shed your personal pain online.. I'm not one to cry but it invokes my inner tears.
I offer my deepest condolences truly respect your strength..

Mos-a said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Mos-a said...

I wouldn't be able to even start saying that I know how you'd feel since both my parents are still alive. I have a dear friend who has lost both parents and its hard for this person too and we sometimes talk about it but it sometimes is hard to talk abt its hard to always dwell on it.

Writing is always cathartic - helps you say that things you can't actually put into words. This should help a long way in putting you at peace .

Really poignant stuff. Chin up!

(Note i deleted my previous comment since i made a rather funny spelling mistake)

luliana said...

Hmingthanzual...I va ziak lungrunthlak em em ve...

ruolngulworld said...

Reading your post felt like an intrusion into your innermost and deepest feelings, pulling me into your emotions and crying along with you for the loss of a deeply loved one. That's how good your post is. Thanks for a great post. My condolences to you. Keep on blogging.

Silenceofthedepth said...

Painfully beautiful.
This post will bring me back here again...whenever I need to cleanse my soul when it gets heavy for not loving certain people the way I should have while there was chance to.
God bless.

Joseph L said...

Ma'am, i never knew you blog!! Strange..

Its almost a year since I've lost my dad and i can really relate to your post. Really touching and it made me cry...

*hugs* *hugs*

Time does not heal
The pain we feel inside
Time does not heal
The wounds of our heart
Time does not heal
The tears from our eyes

mesjay said...

A really poignant post. And it's beautiful that you so love your parents and try to obey them. This might sound corny to some, but it's such a valuable characteristic.

Raldawna said...

Thle bup bup maw tia..lo ti hman reng mai. Blog ai mah chuan mi blog comment hi a nuam a..heheh

Inlak khal viau na hi...waitin eagerly for da dinner...

nithya said...

awww..zuali..I'm really sorry for your loss. have always been.. She is with you, though not physically.. take care gal..hugs..