Rainy Days and Untold Stories

I’ve always loved rainy days… especially when I don’t have to go to work or venture out.

I fell in love with steaming mugs of black coffee by foggy windows. It only gets better when your hair is still wet from the shower and you are wrapped in a fluffy blanket. Oh how I loved rainy days!

There was a time in my life when the rain inspired me. Back in Delhi, when it rains I either dance or write. Yep!! I have a ritual whenever monsoon hits the capital - A rain-dance on the hostel rooftops until I catch a bad cold. Whenever the sound of rain hits the scorching courtyard, I’d run outside to smell the freshly-showered wet earth – one of the most pleasant smells in the world.

Or I’d write.

Rain would always bring out the storyteller in me. Stories about past, life and love would silently be hummed from my fingertips to the keyboard in Font Calibri(Body) size 11. Sitting next to a foggy window with a steaming cup of coffee (or green tea on occasional health conscious days), words would flow, tunes would suddenly arise in my head and untold stories would be told.

But those were days of long ago…

I woke up to rain this morning as I snuggled up in my blanket. (Yes! I wear blankets in May! The perks of living in a hill station.) After my usual hour with my Maker with a bible on my knee, I sat at my couch near the window wishing that I’d not waste the rain. It’s too cold for a rain-dance, and choir competition’s coming up, so I can’t afford to catch a cold. So I took out my notebook wishing some untold story would materialize.

It didn’t.

So I guess I zoned out for a good hour until my nephew knocked on my door to tell me that brunch was served. Yep! I wasted the whole morning zoning out!

Mornings like this makes me realize how just 8 months and a change of location have changed me. I hardly write or find the time to write. I hardly have time to listen to myself or my thoughts!

Church and social activities take so much of my time that sometimes I can’t find the time to catch up with my nieces. I can forget about having an ‘alone time’ to reflect on my own!! Believe it or not! I am free only on Friday evenings but even Fridays are often taken away by meetings. Other nights are taken by church services, compulsory choir practices and whatnots. I hope I am not disrespecting or insulting the church or anyone when I say that church activities have taken a toll on my personal relationship with God… sadly, for the worse!! I am just so busy and tired from all the running around that sometimes I can’t find the time to spend with my Maker, talking to Him or just listening to Him!

And I am thoroughly ashamed to say that there are days when I don’t even crave for my time with my Maker anymore. It’s like, you are in a relationship with someone you don’t make the time for, that slowly you realized you are accustomed and sadly, comfortable living your everydays without that person. I don’t want to be in such a relationship with my Jewish Carpenter!! I have no one to blame but myself! I’m definitely not trying hard enough!! I have to make changes!!

Sometimes Mizo Christianity disappoints me! A lot! A couple of weeks ago, we had a Retreat for the Pastorate Choir. (I know, I know… only 8 months in Aizawl and already a member of the Pastorate Choir? I still ask the question myself!) It embarrasses me to no end that hardly any of the members have a regular quiet time, my own self included. I wonder, with the ridiculously little time we spent with our Maker, how can we sing ‘in the Spirit’ or expect our light to shine?!! We hardly have ‘light’ or take time to light our feeble little candle to begin with!!

A work colleague once asked me if I know a certain someone from my church –  a very active member of the Youth and also a member of a renown denominational choir in Aizawl. Then he added “Down South, we know him as Zual-Nam-Nileng-a, Zual-zu-heh-a, Zual-‘thih-ka-ngam’-a (Yep! I changed the name for privacy reasons). Now when I see him on TV with his choir, I can’t help but judge. I’m a bad person. Ain’t I??” I didn’t have an answer. I probably never will…

We have been deceived thoroughly!! And we still allow ourselves to be deceived. We judge a book by its cover over and over again that we don’t know how else to view a book! What's worse, we weigh ourselves with the pathetic scale of that same 'book cover logic' that we are so contented as long as we wear our best on Sunday services. And I say again, we have been deceived!! Thoroughly so!!

I’ve always loved rainy days… especially when I don’t have to go to work or venture out.

I’ve always loved rainy days because rainy days bring out the storyteller in me. The rain, today, sadly brings out a story of frustration, of masks worn and the lack of depth and authenticity in our church and in our Faith.

But there are two sides to every story.

And this is just my side of the story.

What’s your story?

Late April Musings

It's been a month since my last post and here I am again sheepishly admitting that I should make more frequent posts. But jumping on my defense, I was having a quiet couple of months, and I don't know how much longer will I take a step back and take a long hard look at my life. 

The weather's lovely today. It's late April in the capital and somehow the temperature hasn't been soaring as yet. I spend the morning sprinting from the School to Ad Block running after some signatures that I need so badly yet by the time the sandstorm blew in the afternoon, I was safely tucked away in my room with a wet face towel on my nose!!! Yes! I have officially retreated on my war against sandstorm season... and mosquitoes!

Before I knew, we're almost halfway through the year and 2012 hasn't been good to me as of now. So I somehow wished it'd just past me by. Last year, I had a lot of plans going on for this year but nothing, absolutely nothing has been working out lately. My academic life is a drag, I'm perpetually broke and after five long years, I'm single again! I'm constantly on an emotional roller-coaster ride sometimes even hating myself on some low points. And to top it all off, bad news about a close relative's demise reached me last night. And still, there is something in me that tells me to prepare for the worse!

I was joking with my dear friend Engkima about how I just want to quit everything I'm doing here, go home, build myself a little shack on my father's terrace, grow old and die alone! I was joking, but half my heart is serious!! I call it the 'Tip of the Depression Iceberg'! Haaa!!! Only because I consider myself too young and too unaccomplished to be in a 'mid-life crisis'.

I probably need to be in this situation. There's a brighter side to everything. If my life has always been a breeze then I wouldn't know how to count my blessings. I've also realized a mistake I have committed through the years. I've realized how much I've depended on other people for my happiness and how pathetic our plans for the future can sometimes turn out.

So, today, it's all about taking a step on the journey to the inner being, learn to be thankful for what I'm blessed with and working hard for the rest. I've learnt that nothing's going to come easy for me, that I'll have to work for every single thing I need and want. After all, there's no such thing as a free lunch.

I haven't come across someone who died of 'bad situations' or breakups or  'things-didn't-work-out-according-to-plan' situations. I know I won't be the first! :)

So listening to the thunder rolling in the distance, I'll pray and most importantly, prepare for rain!

Empty corkboards and New beginnings

The counter was a wee bit high for my 5'3 frame and I somehow climbed a ledge to peer over to take a look at the corkboard until I caught the eye of the very busy salesman. I was with the 'crew' on a mission to hunt down the best badges for the upcoming Spring Festival. So there I was trying to keep up with 4 men who knows exactly what they want, ransacking every stationary store in South Delhi. It was in a store in the little gully where I came across this corkboard, paid for it and took it home with me while the guys were also finally satisfied with their hunt.

The next day, I announced to my roommate that the board is going right up on the wall near my bed. "I'm going to pin it up with inspirational quotes and messages that I need to tell myself everyday" I told her. The royal blue velvet covering the corkboard stood out against my pale yellow walls, the bright color not the only thing that stood out but also because of the fact that it's an empty board. I stared at it time and time again, wishing there was something that I could put up. But my mind is blank, which made me realize that the empty board on my wall is only a projection of this empty mind.

If you've been one of those kind people to stop by and read this blog, you might have noticed that I haven't updated in quiet a while. Well, it's because I've been going through quite a transition in my life and changes aren't always comfortable. Or welcomed.

Life is a cycle after all. There's a time for everything under the sun. And sometimes, no matter how badly you wanted it, you have to let go of some things in life and make decisions that shook your inner being. Sometimes, no matter how hard you try to stop it, history repeats itself. And sometimes in life, there are things that just cannot be.

It's time for a New Beginning.

New beginnings aren't always the best things in life. Sometimes it's scary and you're gripped with fear of the unknown. And sometimes you question yourself if you've made  a new beginning or if you've ended your life with the decision.

The corkboard on my wall is blank, life as I've known it has changed and I'm at the start of another unknown journey. But I also know that my corkboard isn't always going to be this way and I live with the hope that no matter how buckled my knees are right now, I'll find strength along the new journey.

And maybe, just maybe, one fine day, I'll look back, miss this empty board and find this present change beautiful. Until then, even with this numbness, I'll stare at my empty board and tell myself that there is so much space for new stories, new words and new pictures.

Living with cracked ribs : Life after the Great Fall

Spare me the embarrassment of retelling the story of how I cracked my ribs!! Today is the week anniversary of the accident! So tonight it's all about the week after the fall!

The Great Fall, in itself, wasn't that glorious. A nervous beginner cyclist. Two bikes and an auto coming on the wrong side. Too narrow a road. Nerves taking over. Cyclist down. Passerby stops to help. "I'm still learning" cyclists grins (sheepishly). Ignoring throbbing knees. Ignoring hurting sides. 10 minutes later, failed cyclist turns badminton player. Loses a mixed double. Partner blames her. She blames hurting sides and throbbing knees. Next day, pain too much to bear. Doc appointment. X-ray. **Kaching** Multiple rib fracture.

I fell asleep while waiting for the doctor with my X-ray results. It was 11 in the morning and I hardly slept for five hours. The night before, there was a funeral and we stayed up the whole night while waiting for the body to be sent back home. The nurse must have called me several times. She woke me up with a hand on my shoulder.  After knowing about my fractured ribs, I must say, I needed a place to 'lick my wounds' and headed to a friend's place where I stayed for lunch and dinner. I fell asleep on the way back too.

What's it like to have cracked ribs?

1. The P word. It's been a week. I still take painkillers and muscle relaxants every single day.

2. I can't lift my left arm much. Today I did my laundry with only one hand!! Sigh! there goes my futile attempt at ambidexterity. Yet again!

3. I always live in the fear of getting knocked, pulled and pushed around or tickled in the ribs. Yes! The guys I hang out with do that to me all the time. Thankfully! My "Nak na" squeal would stop them in their tracks. One still chose to playfully punch my stomach! Hmmm ... Men!

4. I still can't sleep on my left side. I am a fetal curler. And I toss around in my sleep. This past week, I wake up in my sleep a lot. All because every time I turn to my left, I wake up from the pain. Extra cushioning doesn't do much help.

5. I'm the object of ridicule. People are laughing at my expense. This particular group (they call themselves 'Delhi Mizo Male Voice'... I call them 'Chimawm Gang') said that with all my kickboxing exercise, I still manage to crack my ribs. They also slyly added "Nakruh na chung hian kawm a lo nuam tawk chauh anih hi". Another friend told me to lose weight. He's totally barking the wrong tree here. He, himself, is underweight yet he broke his ribs (Mind you... it's 'broke' not 'cracked') while playing football last month. Certain tweets and picture-tweets add feathers to my already prominent crown of ridicule. A friend tweeted that he'd chain  me to a tree near my hostel after my refusal to take a weekend off.

6. A few people have been good to me though! Nu Mamawii offered me a bed to sleep on the day my results came out, gave me two good hot meals and asked me to stay over (which I didn't. Dang! I should have!). The damlo kan date with the girls didn't materialize but we settled for a hearty drink of Banta and Nimbu Paani the next night. A slab of chocolate, I will never forget, made it to my mini fridge too. Four, and I count, four gentlemen have the decency to text me asking me how am I doing. One absolute gentleman offered to carry my handbag for me. And the boyfriend is definitely not one of them. Shame, shame. And I write this because I know he will read this!! It's only a subtle hint though!

7. I can't exercise at all! I sit everyday feeling like a couch potato!

8. I can't sing. LITERALLY. It hurts when I sing. And I take this time to apologize for the horrible group singing this Sunday. It was all my fault. My breath ran out, I couldn't hold a tune for long and I couldn't sustain.  It was all my fault. The others in the group are excellent singers. I am responsible for every sharps and flats in the song! :(

9. I take bath only with warm/hot water. In Delhi heat. Doc's orders. :(

10. The hardest thing during my week long journey to recovery is riding an auto or a bus. Auto is the worst. Especially in Delhi roads. My toes curl every time I see another speed breaker or a dent on the road. "Bhaiyya, aaram se!!" and "Ouch" all in the same breath!! After a nasty ride with the rude Autowallah  this evening, I told myself that I will not budge from the campus for this whole week!

Corset's my new fashion trend! I'm kidding! I don't go around in that bandage anymore! P.S:  The  constipated smile was to mask the pain... The pic was taken on the day I was diagnosed!

It's only been a week. The doctor said it'll take a couple of weeks before I can stop the painkiller and the muscle relaxant and a few more weeks for the healing to complete. In the meantime, Doc told me to quit prancing around, running, dancing, skipping and pretty much all the other actions that define me. "And absolutely no cycling" were his final words!

So in the meantime, I cheat! 

Shhhhhshhh!

I can't be me without prancing and singing! 

But I promise to be subtle about it!

Bicycle Diaries

So after living my whole life with a two-wheeler-phobia (do they have a word for it?), a couple of years back, I decided to get curious to know what's beyond my fears. And curious did I get with a friend's scooty. Attempting to mount a scooty without even knowing how to balance a bicycle was, yes, biting off more than I could chew. After two nights with 4 guys holding the scooty while I fought to tame it, I fell. Wait! I was fine... but the scooty wasn't. The next day, the scooty was taken in for repairs. And out of guilt, my curiosity took a backseat.  

Last semester, I got curious... again... with my brother's bullet. But looking at how heavy the bike looked and knowing how narrow and steep the roads in Aizawl are, I decided to start humble. Humble meaning my roommate's hand me down bicycle.

I fell a dozen times before I could learn how to balance it. 

I will always remember the first time I cycled on an 'actual' road. Nancy, my roommate was close-by, guarding me when all of a sudden, I lost my balance and fell. It must have hurt because I remembered lying in the middle of the road with the bike on top of me. Nancy lost all her manners that day and laughed at me all sprawled out on the road. I, on the other hand, attempted to get up only after seeing vehicle lights around the bend of the road. 

Battle scars?? Hardly. Except for half a dozen bruises, scraped knees and palms, a superficial cut in the stomach (yes, right on the tums) and a sprained lil' toe which swelled up to the size of my big toe in a few hours and turned purplish the next day. Hardly anything at all!!

It took me three weeks before I could muster up the courage to cycle on a road. That night, I ran over a peaceful-sleeping dog. I screamed and apologized altogether at the same time. I didn't know to who I apologized to... I think it was the dog, hoping I wouldn't get bitten by it. Well, it worked. The dog barked loudly and ran away. I've never seen that dog in that part of campus again!

Have I ever mentioned that drama just follows me? My very first ride downhill, the brakes on the bike were broken. So you can just imagine what happened to me and the random security guard in my path! Three words. Crash. Boom. Bang.

It was months before my next encounter when I hit a parked car and set off the car alarm. I would pay good money to see myself panicking and running away before the car owner could come out. The next day, I was walking by the same car when I noticed a huge dent right where I hit the car. I posted a note with my name and phone number... mentally of course. I am such a loser!!

My ultimate encounter happened a couple of days ago when I fell trying to pass a bike and an auto both coming on the wrong side of the road. Seriously, this time, it wasn't my fault. I had no cuts but only a few bruises. I was sore the next day. In fact, too sore that by nightfall, I could hardly move. I went to a doctor and took some X-rays.

Well, now I sit here staring at my X-ray sheets, my head still hazy from the painkillers and my ribs firmly taped up. It hurts each time I giggle and I have to hold my side each time I laugh.

"Multiple rib fracture" The doc told me, "No jumping, prancing, dancing, rigorous exercise and absolutely no cycling for a month. Take it easy. And don't lift heavy stuffs. You'll be fine in a few weeks".  

Hmm..... With Mizo Kut Season and North-East Night just around the corner, I wonder how will I survive??? I guess I have to kiss the Cyclothon attempt goodbye!

Let the month pass by, and I promise myself, I will mount the Machine.... once again! 

I still have along way to go....

I still have to conquer The Bullet!!

INVICTUS...

Me! :)

There are no shortcuts to any place worth going!!

Dark Clouds

Dark Clouds?!! Where do i even begin? I guess I’m not the first one to feel this way but when you’re on an intensive language research with a six month deadline and battling bad health at the same time, it can seriously mess up your mentality.

Research Deadline: July last week.

Present date: 1st week of March.

Time remaining: 21 weeks.

Work finished: Scribbles of first two chapters and skeletons of last two chapters.

Work pending: A complete dissertation with a minimum of 80 page ‘quality’ work.

Work complications: I just realized I have to brush up on Maths (probability, permutation, matrix and set theory, the like) after 6 years of happily switching over to Arts stream (Why on earth is it even related to linguistics???) I should have known I signed up for logic when I signed up for semantics.

Work pace: Super slow!! My supervisor just told me to mail her my write-ups even though I badly wanted to meet her in person.

Health Status: 1.. Just recovered from bronchitis (bronchial spasms ain’t fun at all).

2. Still on a regular 2 week injection visits to Apollo hospitals for hemorrhoid treatment. (Sigh!My doctor told me that hemorrhoid is an indicator of bad health!) I'm no fan of needles; my body is really hesitant in responding to the treatment and there is absolutely no way that I am considering or even entertaining the 'S' word.

3. Sinusitis loves me. He has for the past two years. I mope and disinfect my room twice a day and wash my curtains every week just to make sure that my room is dust free! I realized it’s not the dust in my room… it’s me or rather, my magnetic personality!

Emotional Status: No room for such…. Thankfully!

Mental status: FRUSTRATED. On the brink of depression!

Venting process: I know it’s sounds stupid...

1. Facebook Games. I just realized I’ve become super aggressive. I attack every single player I come across in “Sorority Life”. Pretty Biatchy huh?!

2. I blog… after staying away for more than four months! But writing is therapeutic, so blogging must also be. (Well! This step ain’t really stupid!)

3. I kissed my social life goodbye , except for Sunday Schools(I can’t stay away from my kids!) and Choir practices ( I will attend only till the Passion weekend!)which doesn't make sense because I have more time to get depressed!

Well! I know that a lot of senior researchers must have gone through what I’m going through now! And I know it might seem either stupid, futile or funny… But I wonder how those people sail through their storms.

To wrap it up… let’s stare at the dark cloud.

Dark Cloud: All of the above.

Silver Linings:

1. Hmmmm… First things first. It got me blogging and most importantly, writing again (Even though it’s just a scribble). I haven’t done much writing after starting research.

2. It got me back to “ordering my private world”. My room is spotless, no dirty laundry in the basket, I get up at 7:00 am (sterling silver for that!). Have you noticed how organized my writings are? Numbered, pointers and the works! :)

So… the dark cloud and the silver lining; a whole page against two points. Well, who said the silver lining should be bigger than the dark cloud! ?

And as if Someone knew what I’m going through; I came across this ‘chhum ve mai mai’ pic by CHDA while leisurely browsing through www.thlalak.com. Needless to say, I steal a silent smile!

This too shall pass!!!

I am wondering why I am down here sitting and typing these lines away... I'm having exams these days... for three consecutive days, a weekend paper submission and my 'tiger-paper' on Monday. At the top is that little red cherry... my bad health, which has consumed most of my time, my persistence, my patience,my energy and my bank account balance. This semester has been really tough... social obligations, choir practices, exec meets, heavy papers, project works, mini-researches, medical operations and yes... working under a "racist" professor. I'm lagging behind in my studies, looking at hand-out sheets with blank-out mind and doing last minute readings.

End semester exams have started... and it'll be over in a week. Then the nightmare begins with dissertation work! Are we supposed to write a dissertation for Master's??? Any Nyishi grammarians out there??? I really need a superman here. There won't be any happy holidays for me... I won't be going home!! I will probably be alone in my room for the "sleepy hollow" winter and try to cope up with the horrible mess food!! yuck!!

As I went through my personal journal the other day... I noticed a line I have written 2 years ago; the time I had to skip my exams because of yet another minor sugery... (Unhealthy me!!)... It was written on a page in the "With Jesus" section of my journal; the section which has seen me at my worst heartbreak, my greatest fear, my supreme loss and my utmost depressions. Memories came flooding back... I could see myself; all crumpled in the hospital gown in a rainy cold October morning, skinny and patchy, dark rings under my eyes, writing with shaky hands probably caused by too much intake of antibiotics... the line still shakily scribbles across the page... "For this too shall pass".

And it did!! I'm still alive and kicking out here... getting kicked too sometimes :) but nonetheless surviving. I know Someone up there loves me and I know that He'll take me through this valley again. And all I can do now is keep trusting, keep looking and keep believing that "this too shall pass!".

"Some trust in chariots and some in horses,
But we will trust in the Name of the Lord, our God"

Psalm 20:7

My Greatest Fear

I fear that I may end before I finish
Or finish but not well
That I should stain Your Honor,
shame Your Name,
grieve Thy Loving Heart
For a few, they tell me finish well
So, Father, let me get Home before the Dark
And let me finish this race with joy...