I flipped over in my bed and let out a sigh. I have been staring at the shadows dancing in my ceiling for the past two hours. Sleep definitely doesn’t come easy these days. “An hour before midnight is worth two after” or so they tell me. Somehow I can force myself to retire by midnight, but going to sleep soon after has always, always been a fight.
There’s something really healthy that I have been practicing for this year (my post-Hlimsang stage, heh!). I go to bed early and I rise with the sun! Yep! I never really knew I was a morning person until a few months back. I often find myself praying with a smile while my heart leaps as I watch the sunrise; watch the sky change into different shades of blue; hear the birds sing with the break of the new day. Oh yes! My favourite soundtrack to the scene I just mentioned is Phil Wickham's "You're beautiful". Lately, I’ve realized that the devotionals I had in the mornings are clearer, crispier and deeper than those I would have at breakfast hours. When you wake up to such beautiful mornings, getting through the day with a light hearted-mood is a breeze.
Lately, I often catch my contented reflections on windows and moving vehicles. And I have to say, with His Grace and Mercy, just within a year, I have come a long long way.
Just a year ago, I was always busy putting on my happy mask while my insides were torn and shredded. I fooled the world into thinking that I was fine and that I am a survivor despite suffering from one of the worst heartbreaks and a massive doldrum in my life. I was always careful to put on a smile and multiple layers of perkiness and mirth when I am around other people. But when the day is done, I would drag my heavy feet and my weary heart to a lonely room that I won’t care to clean for days at the end. I would lie awake at night, sometimes cry on marathon phonecalls with my dad (the only person I could show my true colors to), pray while wondering if God ever heard me at all and wonder if I’d ever get through the night without… dying!! Sleep would somehow catch up with me as the first ray of light hits my curtains; my day would start an hour past lunch and the same cycle of a broken girl hiding behind a happy mask would continue!
But as cheesy as it may sound… Love heals! J
I fell in love with a Jewish Carpenter!
Need I say more?
I no longer need to prove myself to the world that I am a survivor, that I am strong and that I don’t need a man in my life. Because I am not! I’m weak and fragile; I cry when no one is watching; I often swallow a hard lump of hurt when someone calls me fat or say something shady about my dad. I am massively scared of being judged and I know that even with all the academic degrees I hold, I am nothing better than stupid! I am useless in the kitchen and till today, I don’t know how to build close friendship with girls my age! And all throughout my adult life, I always longed for that one man who would accept, complete and love me despite my flaws and imperfections (Yes! Pimples and all).
But, that deep sense of security that springs out from a heart who knows she is well loved is something that I have never really experienced before. I realized I don’t always have to be perfect or strong or smart because I know I am loved even when I am not so.
A heart who knows that she is loved no longer spends her nights tossing about worrying about her tomorrows. A heart who knows she is loved no longer needs to put on her mask of empty joys and smiles that don’t reach her eyes. A heart who knows she is loved is secure enough to believe that even if she might never meet a man to love her, she has already met The Man who completes her being. Instead, her quiet smiles, her calms and her serene rest springs from her inner joy – the self-realisation of being loved.
But there are nights like this when sleep don’t come easy while there’s a little voice at the back of your head that tells you that you have to be up and running by the break of dawn!! But tonight, I plugged my earphones as I browsed through my phone for some soothing music to fall asleep to…
But soothing music and falling asleep were the last thing that happened as I plugged on my earphones as Chris Rice belted out his "Smile" in his perfect warm honey voice. I found myself out of my bed, kicking my sheets away and up on my feet. The next thing I remember was dancing in the dark, my earphones firmly plugged and my phone steadily held. I no longer need to gaze at the shadows dancing on my ceiling as I become the shadow dancing, hopping and swaying barefeet across my moonlit floor…
Well, sleep has to wait tonight…
I am having one of my private moments with my Jewish Carpenter!