Recently I downloaded an old movie "Practical Magic" for the only and sole purpose of drowning myself in these lines...
"Sometimes I feel like there's a hole inside of me, an emptiness that at times seems to burn. I think if you lifted my heart to your ear, you could probably hear the ocean. The moon tonight, there's a circle around it. Sign of trouble not far behind. I have this dream of being whole. Of not going to sleep each night, wanting. But still sometimes, when the wind is warm or the crickets sing... I dream of a love that even time will lie down and be still for. I just want someone to love me. I want to be seen. I don't know. Maybe I had my happiness. I don't want to believe it but, there is no man, Gilly. Only that moon. "
I was once accused of being an 'emotional masochist'. That was a long time ago, yet I believe that accusation is still valid. And on hot sleepless summer nights, the masochist comes out to play, plunging bittersweet memories into my heart. Of long lost loves and a love that never was! I will never admit to being a fool during my youth. In college my grades were always consistently good, I never dabbled with drugs, never smoked and didn't even know what alcohol tasted like. I never fooled around, always kept a physically safe distance from the opposite sex and always 'saved' myself for the right one when he would come along. But I admit, I broke a few hearts and got mine broken really badly that it took years to heal. What goes around comes around ey?
And as the gentle night breeze blows on my lacy curtains, I stare at the shadows and knowing full well the regrets that I will have even before the night is over, I tread down on memory lanes that I often don't have the strength to take even a step on.
There will always be that guy, that one guy who liked you before he met you in person, before you grew out of the awkward composure and the acne infested forehead. That one guy who shifted his school so that he could be in the same city as you are. That one guy who told your cousin after three years, "Seni's never gonna like me, Is she? I've done everything I could but please tell me what to do next". Don't get me wrong, I'm grateful for the affection. But I hated myself for chewing my nails and staying quiet instead because somehow even my stupid heart knew that such a guy with such a devotion deserved much more than pity... which was, Alas, the only emotion I could gather for him!
Then again, there is that guy whom you just clicked with. When you are together, CHEMISTRY's in motion. That guy who was one of your punch-buddies and that one person who laughed with you and held you when you cry. That only guy you could sing your heart out with and never get scared of a criticism because he pretends to believe you have a 'good' voice. Yet, you remained quiet and never revealed what you really felt because you know that your inter-cultural background will pose problems in the next stage and in the long run. Friendship was all you showed each other. You stayed friends and parted as friends, as good friends with no hard feelings. Yet, years later when you look at his wedding invite on Facebook, you feel empty... and happy, altogether at the same time. And you're surprised with how deep a place that person still has in your heart, and you realized, all at the same time, the deep sorrow yet inner peace you had in letting such a special person go! My Love that never was!
Then of course, there will always be that one guy who pales out the rest. The one guy you worshiped. That only guy you put in a pedestal only to come crashing down and taking your heart along with his fall. That hurt that was so bad that you expected not to wake up the next morning. That pain that you thought will follow you for the rest of your life. Yet, you struggled on your feet and got your pace back on. And in spite of all that happened, some of the principles and values he taught you are the very things you live by till today. And years later, you bump across him online and you are comforted to know that he still has respect and good thoughts for you!!
Your thoughts finally hop on to the Unlost Love. The one who stood by you now. You are aware of the petty fights and the misunderstandings you both have. Your differences which often pushed you on the verge of a breakup, your difficulty in compromising which often ends up hurting you both. Yet, through it all, you stick together and you chose to be together. Because you both know that what you have is worth holding on to. And because in spite of all your differences and the times that you hurt each other, you know that at the end of the day, he is the one person who will always be loyal to you. And because you also know that the strength of a relationship lies not on how less you fight but on how well you patch up after each single fight!
And as the shadows turn to grey which fade in the morning light, I rolled over, hugged my cover sheet and remind myself to be grateful for the loves in my life, lost and unlost. For each love taught me a lesson, each different from the other yet each as equally important. Each love took his part in shaping me and moulding me into the person that I am today. And I'd say, they didn't do a bad job!! :D
I thank God for sleepless nights!
Lest I hardly have time to look back and cherish my long lost loves
Lest I forget to admire and adore my Unlost One!
Sleepless Nights remind me to be grateful for what I have and what I've lost! They gave me time to count my blessings and renew my tired and numb heart to continue falling and growing in love with my Unlost Love!